I have suffered depression much of my life and I can feel some of your pain. I won't offer a bunch of well worn platitudes, I just want to say I hope you can mend the riffs in your life. (We all have ém!) You are not alone in your pain. A quote I read a few days ago, reportably from a 10 year old cancer victim who was dying.

Ïnch by inch, life's a cinch; Yard by yard, life is hard.